My Alcoholism & Recovery

I went to an AA meeting last night in my hometown. I visit my family and home town only once per year and normally only go to one meeting when I am here - generally to remind me how much I disliked AA here.

I tried to get sober here and I didn’t. I tried many times.

I got sober where I live now and generally find the meetings there preferable to the meetings here and I have often compared them - talking to people about how bad the meetings are here.

The meeting last night was good. I had decided that I would sit at the back and listen - maybe that is code for judge.

The meeting was great. The topic was fear. Last night it was brought home to me how much fear is still in my life, I start to miss seeing the fear and something else happens in my head after that. If I manage to see my fear more often my life is better.

I talked to some members before and after the meeting - the ghosts of my past started to fade. The memories I have about AA meetings here are just that - memories. My memories are not my current reality - God I don’t see that sometimes.

I am very fortunate to have people to listen to me, more importantly I am more fortunate to be able to listen.

For a long time I did not feel like I belonged in AA. I felt like others who had been there before me had more rights in meetings than me. I thought that decision making within the group was not something I had a right to take part in.

This was part of my alcoholism. Like it or not I had to belong to AA – and mostly I did not like it. I can’t imagine anyone liking being a part of something where they feel they have no or little rights within that group. So for my welfare and that of the group I had to make sure that Alcoholics Anonymous belonged also to me.

It was not easy to overcome myself – as that’s what held me back. I started doing things in meetings – sharing and then going for coffee afterwards – these were good starts, as I was often scared to ask anyone to go for a coffee. Then I took on service in AA. That was the tipping point.

Being of service in AA does make one look like they own the place – one ends up walking around very comfortable in the situations that bothered me before. That’s what I had seen in the other members – and I became a member of AA, just part of it, it felt good.

Getting past this thinking problem was a matter of acting. I would rather think myself out of problems, AA’s know this, however the way for me to solve many problems is to simply act. In the action I change without any great effort.

Simple things are often beyond me if I keep to myself.

I am heading to my home town next week; I will be staying with my family for 5 days. I have a great life, I really have to say that to start with – but hell 5 days with my family in the area where I did most of my drinking where there is an ex-wife with a new husband, and grown children that don’t want to talk – let’s just say I’m not looking forward to it.

I‘ve not lived in my home town for 10 years and now for six of those I’ve been sober and drug free, so my life has changed considerably. But when I walk back into that area my good head does not go with me.

I remember going back after doing my fifth step having for the first time in my life seen how dishonest I am – how adverse to the truth I am especially around my family – how scared I am to say what I mean and what I want to say. I drove back there thinking – this time I know how being dishonest has cost me and my relationship, this time I am going to be honest. Ah… I so wish life was that easy.

I choked. The truth became foreign to me again. I said what ever to keep the peace, my huge fear of upsetting my family and any sort of conflict – so odd, as I said whatever I wanted after a few beers. But sober, with a clear mind, I was lost once again.

I take solace from the words of the Buda – it goes something like this – if man thinks he has attained enlightenment let him spend a week with his family. That guy knew something.

I don’t go home often now, once or twice a year – it is not so close and I call often enough. I once considered moving back to that town, during my first year of sobriety and then something happened there that stopped me – it helped me see what I would be moving back to and that I was not long enough away from the drink at that time; I had doubts I would survive, so I did not go home. That was a good move as I now have a great life where I live, one that I could never have foreseen.

I reckon I will be posting here a lot during the next week or so…

First, let’s talk about what is considered normal drinking. Drinking one or two drinks a day is usually considered ok. If you find yourself having a glass of wine every night for dinner, it does not mean you are going to turn into a alcoholic, however if you find yourself drinking more as time goes by, you might want to back off a little bit.

So how can you tell if you are suffering from alcoholism? As yourself these questions:

1) Do you drink alone?

A majority of alcoholics drink when they are by themselves. A majority of non alcoholics normally consume alcoholic in social gatherings, heavy drinkers will continue to drink by themselves.

2) Are you always finding or creating an excuse to drink? Is every day a bad day? Do you drink for every celebration? I know one person who drank in order to get rid of the alcohol in her house, but then the next day would go out and buy more.

3) Are you able to function without drinking? Most alcoholics can not make it through a day with a drink and some can not even walk straight without it. Do you find yourself acting more intoxicated without alcohol than with it?

4) Are you able to stop drinking? A common symptom of alcoholics is the inability to stop drinking or even try to cut back on it.

5) Do you find yourself unable to say no to the next drink?

6) Do you have violent episodes when you do drink?

7) Does your temper flare up more?

Are you hiding your drinking from family and friends and when called out on your drinking do you find yourself furious with them?

When friend and family approach an alcoholic or even a drug user about their self destructive habits, it is typically known as an intervention and is usually one of the only ways to get someone help.

9) Have your eating habits taking a turn for the worse?

Most alcoholics do not eat healthy and most suffer from malnutrion due to the alcohol interfering with the digestion process. Alcohol also limits the conversion of nutrients into a form that the body can use. You may find that you develop a vitamin B-1 deficiency as your drinking continues.

10) Has your physical appearance begun to suffer?

Ask yourself if you still care about what you look like. When was the last time you put an effort into taking care of yourself? Lastly, do you find yourself trembling in the morning, especially when the urge to drink is strong?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, you should contact your doctor. This does not mean you are a full fledge alcoholic, but by answering yes to some of these questions could mean that you are on the road to becoming one. Isn’t it better to get the help now, while you still have some control rather than later, when the disease has taken over your body?

I find it increasingly difficult sitting in AA meeting. I have to listen to some very crazy stuff, often from the same people over and over, some speak for up to ten minutes when taking their turn to share.

At a point in the past I had thought it does not matter what I hear at meetings, just the fact of being there was good for me, but now I have been having problems listening to people a long time sober talking for an absolute age, basically giving lectures to the room.

Another issue on the same subject has been the amount of mad people in meetings that are physically threatening. This has been on the increase in the last few years. One of the results of this is that meeting are often interrupted by these folk speaking while someone else is talking or of them bullying verbally others. It is almost getting to the point of needing security guards at meetings to eject the ones causing disruption

Just need to get this off my chest today.

You having any problems?

This always gave me a problem. I might be powerless over you, but was I really powerless over asking for a drink and then drinking it?

Powerless over alcohol? No, I don’t think so - perhaps once I had a few drinks, but powerless is the wrong word. It was my power, my energy that picked up that drink and stuff it down my throat.

Powerless means lacking power. But it also means - devoid of strength or resources. Now that is more interesting, was I lacking strength not to take a drink? Oh yeah! But still not quite right.

One of the definitions of power is - possession of control, authority, or influence over others, in some ways I had lost this over myself.

A synonym of power is control; however even if you add the less to this it is again too extreme.

I started drinking when I was 15. I hated the taste, it made me vomit, and I got into trouble. Good start. However all the fear and anxiety I live with left for a period of time.

I have not met an alcoholic that does not have an anxiety problem, it is often masked under anger or the like - but scratch a little and you find the anxiety. Alcohol reduced that anxiety, simple. I felt like I had never felt before - anxiety free. I loved not being anxious = I loved alcohol. Though I did not particularly like alcohol or its effects on my life.

I drunk different types of drink, trying to find something that suited my taste buds. I hated wakening up from a hangover - but the reward had been a few hours living anxious free. My anxiety was such that I sacrificed my present life to be free of anxiety for only a few hours. Anxiety was in fact the main problem.

In reality I had (and have) an anxiety problem that I medicated with alcohol, drugs, (and after getting sober with food and some other less obvious habits). I developed a habit that was difficult to break, as my behavior did not change for the better - it seldom does with alcohol - this increased my anxiety, I was caught for a long time in a down-ward circle.

I stopped drinking. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. I had cravings for drink, I was very angry. I became more obviously anxious. I had treatment for depression.

However once I started to see anxiety as the major problem my life stared to get better. For anxiety think fear.

Powerless over alcohol - no. Lack of control - yes.

Powerless over anxiety - yes while a drinker. No - once I had stopped medicating the anxiety.

I have been angry since I can remember, forever…

And right now I am so fucking angry. Really angry, and I keep trying it seems to run away from tis feeling - maybe from all feelings.

I want to express my anger, I don’t want to push it back down again - I have been doing that over and over - it has not worked for me so far.

It feels like a big force inside me, energy.

Who is it directed at? Well my mother as usual. And that drives me nuts all over again - the stereotype of it all - my mother did not love me - and then the voice in my head says - so mummy didn’t love you, boo ho, get up and get on with it.

I am no longer running from my feelings. But it is tough. My natural reaction is to get rid of anger as soon as I feel it. However I have discovered that anger does not have the effects that I think it will have. I am still okay when I am angry.

I am still okay when I am angry.

I am still okay when I am angry.

I am still okay when I am angry.

I am still okay when I am angry.

People still love me and care for me when I am angry. I still deserve a place in the world when I am angry. I am okay when I am angry.

I want to feel everything and anger is part of me, I want to feel feelings, happiness and joy - if I suppress anger I suppress the rest of my feelings also. I am okay when I am angry. You are okay when you are angry.

Well first and foremost I could not stop drinking on my own. I tried for many years to stop on my own as I hated the though of being in something like AA. That part goes away after a while.

But why still go many years later?

I have only one answer that really helps me. Bear in mind that I am as selfish as they come, so no I don’t go to help the newcommer, if that happens it is a by product of me just going to meeting. I no longer go to stop drinking, I stopped a few years ago now. I don’t go to stay stopped - I don’t think my world will implode if I stopped going to AA meeting.

The why I go to AA meetings is very simple - to remember. And no don’t get carried away, it is not anything to do with remembering anything to do with my drinking. I live now a very busy life and I just forget the simple things - for example my predisposition not to do what is good for me. That is the kind of stuff that I need reminding of, the little stuff I call it - but hell it is very important to remember this for me to have a happy content life today.

So why do you still go to meeting?

One of the most difficult times of the year for those recovering from alcoholism is the Christmas holidays. If you find yourself struggling during the Christmas season, please remember that you are not alone. Help is only a phone call or a meeting away! Here are some helpful and practical tips to keep you from taking that first drink.

1. Plan Each and Every Day of Your Holiday

Plan to spend the majority of your time with friends and family who are supportive of your recovery. If you are required to be present for a social gathering where alcohol is being served, bring a fellow AA member with you. Plan fun events and outings to replace your old drinking rituals.

2. Find an “Alkathon” in Your Area

During the Christmas season, some AA groups hold a marathon of meetings called an “Alkathon.” It is a time when the members of Alcoholics Anonymous gather together to celebrate their recovery from alcohol addiction. Many AA groups have meetings on the hour every hour to share their experience, strength and hope. If you are a member of the fellowship or think that you might have a problem with alcohol, you are welcome to attend. Check the local papers for an “Alkathon” in your area.

3. Ask for Support from Your Family and Friends

Those who are truly supportive of your recovery will be happy to help you throughout the holidays. Be up front and tell them your concerns.

4. Have a List of at Least Ten People you can call if you feel the Urge to Drink

Make a list and check it twice. Carry your cell phone and your list of names at all times. The urge to drink is very powerful and can happen at any time.

5. Don’t Forget about Regular Exercise

Regular exercise is an essential component of any balanced recovery program. If you have extra time on your hands, it is a great idea to get out and exercise. Examples include running, skating, cross country skiing, stretching, yoga, Tai Chi, Pilates or water aerobics. Instead of napping on the couch after dinner, go for a walk around the block.

6. Stay Away from Slippery Places

There is absolutely no reason to ever check out your former favorite drinking establishments. It is very likely that your old drinking buddies are still there and are still telling the same old stories.

7. Create New Traditions to replace your Old Drinking Patterns

Try something totally different during the holidays. Buy a new board game; take the family on a sleigh ride; prepare a family power point presentation. Use you imagination, be creative and have fun.

8. Write out a Daily Gratitude List

The quickest cure to get you out of the holiday blues is by counting your blessings. Be grateful for what you have by writing out a gratitude list every morning. Don’t stop writing until you have at least 10 items on your list.

9. Volunteer your Services to a Charitable Organization

There are many people in your community who are homeless and hungry. Why not volunteer to work at a soup kitchen or at a special Christmas dinner for those less fortunate than you? You will be helping not only the needy but yourself!

10. Write a Letter to yourself. How I Stayed Sober over Christmas.

The act of writing your ideas on paper is very powerful. Write down all the activities and events that will help you have healthy happy sober Christmas. Now take action on them and make this letter come true!

11. Avoid H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T. stands for:

• Hungry

• Angry

• Lonely

• Tired

There are very simple solutions for all of the above items. If you are hungry, get something to eat. If you are angry, talk to somebody about it. If you are lonely, go to a meeting or call a friend. If you are tired, get a good night’s sleep.

12. Live One Day at a time and Enjoy your Sobriety!

Stay in the moment. Have present time consciousness. Be in the now. These are all different ways of telling you to live 1 day at a time. Never mind about what happened or what could happen. Enjoy today. Live today. Celebrate your sobriety!

Alcohol is one of the hardest drugs to stop using considering its wide spread use and popularity in today’s culture. It is easily accessible at most convenience stores and as we all know, convenience stores are everywhere. For a person trying to kick their addiction, something as simple as paying for a tank of gasoline could be a big issue. It can be challenging if the person is not on the right footing when entering the store. They may suddenly find themselves looking through the glass freezer doors, scanning the shelves, moving from Coca-Cola to Pepsi down to the energy drinks section and then to the alcohol section. For a normal individual (non alcoholic) it is a simple issue. They would give little thought and apply little effort in turning and walking away.

But for an alcoholic that wants and needs to drink, turning and walking away from the freezer door is like drowning in the middle of a stormy ocean, seeing a life preserver nearby but not reaching for it. For the normal individual, this example seems extreme but for the alcoholic that is still drinking, it is a hard truth.

Alcohol addiction has yet to be completely understood by the scientific and medical communities. One thing commonly agreed upon is that alcohol addiction, or alcoholism, is a fatal disease if not treated. Luckily, it is treatable. Though there has yet to be a vaccine invented that will cure the disease of alcoholism. As of today, there is no proven permanent cure for alcoholism. On the bright side, there are numerous ways to combat alcoholism for those willing to stop drinking and accept help.

Alcoholism is considered by most to be an obsession of the mind and allergy of the body. When thinking of an allergy, most people think of an allergic reaction to, say, shellfish. For someone who is allergic to shellfish to sit at the dinner table and fill their stomach with it could be fatal. But what if this person has an obsession that cannot be controlled once they begin eating the shellfish? They need more and more until they have filled themselves with it and must be hospitalized because of it. Family members and friends can hide the shellfish, not buy it, skip the shellfish sections of the local market but somehow, someway, the individual with the shellfish obsession will find a way to get it and eat it. Again, this sets off a turn of events that nearly kills the person and lands them in the hospital. Alcoholism is similar to the example above.

As it has been said before, one drink is too many and a thousand is never enough. The disease of alcoholism is sly, mysterious, potent and patient. A non alcoholic can be at a social event, have a drink maybe two, start to feel tipsy or a sense of loss of control, nausea might set in and they will stop. For an alcoholic at the same event, they will have a drink and begin to feel more in control, more elated and free. Another drink increases that feeling so another will be needed after that and another and then another. The alcoholic will continue to drink and will be drunk before the night is over.

When a person crosses the line between normal drinking and alcoholism, they will never be the same again. It is like changing a cucumber into a pickle. The pickle will never be cucumber again. The alcoholic will try to grasp the same feelings and emotions they once associated with casual drinking but it will elude them indefinitely. They will continue down numerous paths to try and regain what once was but will exhaust every avenue until there is nowhere else to turn. Even then, they may still drink.

Alcoholism is misunderstood by the general population and there is good reason behind this. Non alcoholics will never be able to comprehend the powerful obsession affiliated with alcoholism. It is something that cannot be understood unless it is lived by the individual themselves. Even the alcoholic may be baffled by their life threatening dilemma. Not too long ago alcoholics were thrown into insane asylums and locked away. But there is hope for the alcoholic today. By accepting help, an alcoholic can increase their chances of living a purpose-filled and happy, alcohol-free life.